Catastrophic
she was in total chaos
tormented between lies and chasm
of being in love and falling apart
of forgetting and moving on
and with that -
she was a tornado
a self-destructive storm
a constant wreaking havoc
resulting infinite melancholy
and then-
she was a tsunami
you cannot stand a chance against her
she will crash you with her enormous wave
bringing you to sudden death
it is because-
nobody knows about her sadness
her silent gaze to her love
her breaking heart and soul
and her unrequited love
to her imperfect man
"Save your smile
Everything fades through time
I'm lost for words
Endlessly waiting for you"
"Dear!"
"Hi dear! Nag lunch ka na ba?"
"Yup kakatapos ko lang, ikaw ba?"
"Katatapos ko lang din, ano naman ang kinain mo?"
"Ahm nagtry ako ng fried fish and gulay"
"Oh thats good mukhang nagiging healthy na ang dishes mo ah"
"Yup as prescribed by love doctor"
"Mabuti naman at sinusunod mo sya, good girl"
"Op kors doc takot ko lang sayo"
"Hahahaha! Oh paano ba yan dear, I'll be calling you na lang later balik na muna kami sa office ha"
"Sure dear take care"
"You too, ingat ka parati."
Muli kong ibinalik ang hawak hawak kong cellphone sa aking bulsa, matapos kong muling pakinggan ang nairecord kong usapan namin. Ilang buwan na nga ba ang nakakalipas simula nung huli naming usapan? Ganun na ba katagal ngayon ang salitang "I'll be calling you later"? It's been ages, but still yung later na tawag nya ay wala pa din.
Parang kahapon lang, ang sigla pa nya pag kausap ko sa kabilang linya. Yung gabi namin parang nagiging umaga kasi ni halos ayaw namin ibaba ang telepono. Minsan pa nga kung ano ano lang ang napag uusapan namin, minsan mga kalokohan lang pero kahit na wala naman kaming importanteng topic na napag uusapan, nakokontento na kami. Kasi sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon, marinig lang namin ang boses ng isa't isa masaya na kami at kontento pa.
Pero, ayun nga bigla na lang syang naglaho na parang bula. Oh siguro tinangay na ni habagat, kaya hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa din tumatawag. At heto ako napagod na sa kakahintay.
At dahil doon, I have decided to let go. I don't want to wait in vain anymore. Naisip ko lang bakit ba kailangan ko pang maghintay sa wala, gayong alam ko naman na wala na talaga. Ni anino nga nya hindi ko alam kung saan nagsuot eh yun pa kayang totoong sya. Para akong maghahanap nun ng karayom sa gitna ng dilim, bukod sa malabo mo ng matagpuan wala pang pag asa kung makikita mo pa nga.
In short, sa Quezon city lang may pag asa.
Altough letting go is one of the hardest thing to do, lalo na kung alam mong mahal mo pa yung tao. But to save your pride, to save yourself for so much pain you must be brave enough to let go. Accept the fact, accept the reality that impossible things are really impossible to happen. It is the only way to forget, and to move forward we should look on what's ahead of us, and thus letting the footprints of the past be blown away, by the wind of time.
It's not being bitter, it is a way of accepting reality. Because if you keep on waiting, if you keep on hoping for a second chance, for a reconciliation and still believing that the two of you can be together. These thoughts may give us hope, but it will also gives us desparation and loneliness. Thus, letting go is the only way out.
Only then we can find happiness.
(BIPOLAR)
I still want you in my life...
I may be foolish enough to say those words again. I may be crazy or ridiculous or whatever it is that you wanted to call me. But still, I want you in my life.
Again.
It's been a recurring event in my life, ever since you left me my life has never been the same, anymore. I never wanted anyone like this before. It's like a beautiful nightmare, I wanted to wake up to stop this madness yet I never wanted to lose sight of you. You're the only love I've ever known.
Forgetting all about you is like making me a prisoner of delusion. In no time, I will be a madman, laughing and crying at the same time. I'd been hunted by a million “what ifs.” What if you're still my man? What if I never gave up? What if? What if? What if?
But since you're gone with the wind, how can I let you know? How can I tell you that I'm still in love with you? Will I finally let go? Or should I still hold on? Should I choose to be happy or should I choose to bear this unfathomable pain?
Tell me, how can I move on when I'm still in love with you?
But then again, I want you out of my life forever.
I saw you standing there, under the moonlight. With your sweetest smile and glimmering eyes you wave at me and said “hello”. I almost forgot how to breathe, at that moment it was as if I was hypnotized, fallen under your magic spell.
A little chitchat with a nervous laughter and I was all over you. Like a child receiving her first bar of chocolate. Feels like heaven with an exasperated smile!
Since then, my life evolves around you. But I wasn’t expecting anything in return, just a simple hello with matching sweetest smile I could die all over again.
Even though I have a lot of sleepless night and the reason behind it was you, I never mind it. Honestly you are the best thing that can happen to me.
Until then, I saw you standing there, under the moonlight, again. As always I forgot how to breathe, until you handed me a piece of paper that made my life totally different.
-end-
Handa ka na ba?
“dan dan dadan, dan dan dadan”
“dan dan dadan dan dan dadan"
Malumay at humahagod sa buong kalamnan ang pumailanglang na awit mula sa kanyang mga labi. Malamyos ang tinig na tila ba isang uyayi na magdadala sayo sa mahimbing na pagtulog.
Paulit ulit. Tila ba walang katapusan ang ginagawa nyang pag awit.
“dan dan dadan, dan dan dadan”
“dan dan dadan dan dan dadan”
Sa pangalawang paghimig ng awit ay kakaiba na ang tinig. Malungkot. Puno ng pait at hinanakit, kasabay ng bawat pagbigkas ng letra ang nakapangingig na himig ng kanyang pagluha. Humahalimuyak din ang nakasusulasok na amoy ng nabubulok na bulaklak sa paligid.
Nakakakilabot. Tila ba nanggagaling sa kailaliman ng lupa ang kanyang tinig.
Maya maya pa ay muling pumailanglang ang kanyang malamyos na tinig. Kasabay ng muli niyang pag awit ang pagkurap ng bawat ilaw sa paligid. Unti – unti habang lumalakas ang kanyang ginagawang paghimig tuluyan ng nilamon ng kadiliman ang paligid.
“Natatakot ka na ba? Nanginginig na ba ang tuhod mo?” tanong ng tinig na tila ba nanggagaling sa ilalim ng lupa.
“Naaamoy ko ang iyong pangamba, nararamdaman kong malapit ng sumuko ang katinuan mo”
Kasabay ng kanyang nakabibinging halakhak ang muli niyang paghimig sa awit.
“dan dan dadan, dan dan dadan”
“dan dan dadan dan dan dadan”
“Natatandaan mo pa ba ang pangako mo sakin? O kinalimutan mo na kasabay ng pagtalikod mo sakin?”
“Tuparin mo na ang iyong pangako, malungkot ang mag isa. Nakakapagod. Kailangan kita sa piling ko.”patuloy pa nitong paglitanya habang walang patid ang pagluha nito.
Nakakasulasok ang amoy na unti unting bumabalot sa paligid.
Nakakahilo. Ngunit tila ba isa itong gamot na naging dahilan ng pagpayapa ng kanyang isipan.
“dan dan dadan, dan dan dadan”
“dan dan dadan dan dan dadan”
Mula sa ilaw na nanggagaling sa liwanag ng buwan ay kanyang nasipat ang babaeng kausap. Maamo at pamilyar ang kanyang magandang mukha, ngunit kung pagmamasdang mabuti ay mababakas ang nakakabagabag na kalungkutan.
Sa muling pagkurap ng kanyang mga mata iba na ang anyo ng kanyang kaharap. Hindi maitatago ng kadiliman ang nakahahabag nitong kalagayan, halos naaagnas na ang kabilang bahagi ng mukha nito, habang mababakas naman sa leeg nito ang tanda ng kahapon na pilit nitong tinalikuran.
***********************************************************
“dan dan dadan, dan dan dadan”
“dan dan dadan dan dan dadan”
Humahalimuyak ang amoy ng rosas sa buong paligid. Mababakas din sa ngiti ng bawat tao sa loob ng simbahan ang kaligayahan na kanilang nararamdaman.
Ngunit hindi ang babae sa unahan na kanina pa hindi mapakali sa kanyang kinauupuaan.
Alas kwatro ang takdang oras ng kanilang kasal ngunit sa hindi malamang dahilan ala sais na’y hindi pa din dumadating ang lalaking kanyang pakakasalan.
Unti unting nangilid ang luha sa kanyang mga mata, habang pilit siyang inaakay ng kanyang mga magulang para umuwi sa kanilang tahanan ay unti unti naman siyang nilalamon ng matinding kalungkutan.
Dumidilim ang paligid, malamig ang pag ihip ng hangin na humahalik sa kanyang mga balat.
Mabigat ang bawat hakbang na kanyang ginagawa, habang hila hila ang silya na magsisilbi niyang sandalan sa binabalak na kamatayan. Marahang niyang inihagis ang hawak niyang tali patungo sa kisame na nagsisilbing pundasyon ng kanilang bubong. Nang kanyang masiguro na mahigpit na pagkakabuhol ng tali tsaka niya ito ginawang kwintas, matapos ang marahang pag usal ng mga katagang nagmumula sa kanyang papel na hawak mabilis niyang sinipa papalayo ang upuan na kanyang tinutungtungan.
Pilit syang kumakawala mula sa tali na unti unting pumipigil sa kanyang paghinga. Kakawag kawag sya na tila isang bata na ngayon pa lang natututong lumangoy. Ilang sandali pa kusa ng pumayapa ang paligid.
Kasabay ng pagsibol ng araw ang nakabibinging hiyawan sa paligid. Kasunod noon ang walang katapusang pagbaha ng kalungkutan na bumalot sa buong silid.
**********************************************************
“dan dan dadan, dan dan dadan”
“dan dan dadan dan dan dadan”
“Handa ka na ba?”
-end-
I love you
in every pieces of me
in every bits of my sanity
in every part of my soul
I need you
to hold my trembling hands
to dry my teary eyes
to guide me through the night
and beyond the blinding
lights of insanity
I want you
to kiss my pain away
to put my soul at ease
to show my way back home
a place where I belong
I love you this three words is for you
I need you no one else will do
I want you to make my dreams come true
She never saw it coming. It was as if you'd been hit by a sudden heart attack, a matter of life and death.
You can't control it.
No freaking way!
But because this is all that she wanted, she let the wind of time push her to the cliff. A little step forward and she will finally bid goodbye.
Forever.
What happen to those promises he keeps on telling her? Those breath taking sweet kisses and melodies from the heart? Did it just fade away in an instant?
As if!
And now because of all his failures, she started to stop pretending that she still loves him. She's sick and tired of this never ending battle of saying goodbye and giving up.
Finally!
Stepping forward was the best choice. It is the best and most appropriate way to heal all the wounds. Let the wind of time kiss all the heartache and miseries forever.
#tryme
